well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize