Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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