yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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