I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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