How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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