the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
