fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
