god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
