Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
