What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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