So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Everclear isn't food dammit
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
