I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
