he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
