I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
