I met the friendliest cop last night
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
