Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
