its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
