I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
