Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
