he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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