turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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