You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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