three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
