Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
