we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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