i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Randomize
