Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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