***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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