Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
