my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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