If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
