I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
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apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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