stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
