I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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