Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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