i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
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At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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