im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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