Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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