I just threw up on my dentist
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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