Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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