Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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