After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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