Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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