At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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