did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
