I just threw up on my dentist
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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