I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
