yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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