She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
