so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
