3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
