I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
