I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
