Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
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