totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
