I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
