none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
