wake up i wanna do it froggy style
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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